Pretty Girl. Beautiful Mind.

It seems in today’s day and age, it’s so easy to forget who we are, what we want, and what we, as strong free thinking independent woman stand for. Everyone seems to know the answers when in actual fact we don’t even know what the questions are that are being asked.

Somewhere along the way, between turning thirty, trying to figure out this thing called adulthood and still trying to be myself – it seems I got lost. I seem to have forgotten what it is that makes me happy; how to do the things I love and just be the free soul I thought I was. The monotony of life has somehow crept in and the boredom of a stable job has somewhat taken over and seems to occupy more of my time that I am willing to give.  People seem to dictate what I should be, how I should act and seem so preoccupied with matters that just don’t seem to really matter to me at all.

But in those late nights and early mornings when I’m all alone with my thoughts, I’ve come to realise a simple truth. I don’t think I was lost to begin with. Sometimes I still catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I see my traveling spirit looming in the depths of my eyes. I make an 8 am cappuccino on a Sunday morning and as I take that first sip I’m reminded of how much I used to love reading before my mind became so cluttered and confused. I fumble through my neatly lined travel books and smell the crispness of unread pages and it reminds me of the many things I still want to do in my life. I flip through the blank pages of my sketch pad and a spark of creativity ignites but it’s not enough to make want to get out my pencils, curl up on the floor and feel emotion while creating something.

It seems these last few months of adulthood have somehow made my soul hit an imaginary uninspired brick wall and rather than feel more fulfilled, I feel somewhat dead inside. The question I keep asking myself is, how does one who has seen so much of the world come back home to settle their restless head on their same soft pillow? While I have no regrets moving back home, I have learnt that no one knows me better than me. At the end of the day, those wandering thoughts I still seem to have must mean something. In the lonely hours while I miss family some 1600 kilometres away, friends some 10 000 kilometres away and a love who is exactly 11 783 kilometres away, I really do wonder what it is I am doing here. How am I happy here? How am I making the difference in the world I was so passionate about? Then I wonder how at the age of thirty, I still find myself trying to figure out these answers when so many people seem to have already figured it out.

How am I still lost? Why is it that the things that seem to excite people around me leave me feeling incomplete and even more dissatisfied?

While I still don’t have the answers, what I have learnt in the last few months is that when it’s time to make a change, the universe will make it so uncomfortable for you that you will see no choice but to leave. Everything you do, no matter how big or small will still leave you feeling empty inside and despite being unhappy, it’s not a bad thing. This feeling is actually a sign that the world has better plans for you. As difficult as it may be, trust in the universe.  Follow your heart and don’t be afraid of those things you feel so deeply in the middle of the night. They mean something. At the very least, they mean something to you. Be as brave as you possibly can be and go in search of that life you want. The things that excite you are not random. They are rare and yes, they are connected to your purpose. Don’t be afraid of them. Don’t stay if you are unhappy and certainly don’t look back. Keep going because in the end, the sun will still shine, the stars will still glow and you will still be you. Your mind will still be beautiful, your dreams valid and your happiness, real.